Dealing positively with the negative

Yesterday was a perfectly shitty day.

And, as I do on all bad days, I began immediately to think of ways to make myself feel better.

I could skip the gym, pour myself a glass of wine and sit in a hot bath for an hour.

Or I could buy a large bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs and eat the whole thing.

Or how about happy hour? Big ‘ole wine pours at Cava and feta dip!

This is my usual response when things do not go my way. But for some reason yesterday, I decided to deal with things a little bit more reasonably. I knew that if I stuffed my feelings down, whether it be with food or alcohol or shutting myself up in the house – the problems would still be there.

And let’s face it, problems don’t feel any better when you’ve got a hang over or a stomach ache.

So, instead of my usual remedies, I trudged through the day and didn’t turn to any of my vices.

I wasn’t happy about it, but I did it anyway.

After work, I went to what I lovingly refer to as the Wednesday Death Class at the gym. (So many burpees and planks. I don’t know why I go back.)

I’d like to say that being healthy and working out really turned my day around and I left feeling awesome, but I didn’t. I was glad I worked out, but it wasn’t the magic cure. (Because there isn’t a magic cure.)

I went home, ate relatively healthy and then went to bed (although sleep and a very unhelpful “sleep specialist” was a big cause of the shittiness of the day) so that I could wake up today with at least a relatively clear mind and a somewhat renewed perspective on everything.

I didn’t make any goals this year for being healthier or eliminating my bad habits, but it was nice to see an unexpected positive change.

I certainly could stand to stop punishing myself when I have a bad day; maybe now that I’ve done it once, I’ll know that I can do it again. Or maybe it was a one time only deal, in which case, at least I did once?

This does not mean I won’t be consuming large quantities of Irish food and green beers this weekend (I most certainly will be). I just want to make sure that when I overdo it it’s because I’m having fun and living large – not because I’m trying to escape reality.Image result for Dealing positively with the negative

If I want to do that, I should be doing it through my writing, which is much more productive.

Speaking of writing, I’ve been posting here very infrequently. This is for several reasons. One being that I seem to only do interesting things on the weekends and then fall into the rut during the week with nothing to write about.

Another being that I actually have been writing somewhat regularly (almost done with that short story) and working on the writing blog I mentioned. It’s almost ready, but I won’t be linking to it from here. If you’d like to read it, you can email me and I’ll send you the link.

And with that, I probably will not be checking in again until after St. Patrick’s Day. I hope you have a good one, with much Irish soda bread (which I have never had, sad right?), corned beef, cabbage and green beverages.

No bullshit wedding talk

I keep waiting for that moment to arrive during my engagement when I’m all “squeeeeeee I’m a bride! WEDDING! yaaaaaaaaaay!”

It’s getting a lot closer, a little over 5 months away, and I figured that by this point I would have caught the bridal bug. But it just hasn’t happened.

This is not to say that I’m not very happy to be engaged, and even happier to have found the love of my life, but I still have yet to truly get it up over the whole “it’s my special day” ordeal.Image result for No bullshit wedding talk

One cool thing did happen Tuesday, when we met with our officiant and started to visualize the ceremony. It’s crazy to think about that moment; the act of such strong commitment makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

But other than that, I always feel a bit fraudulent when people ask me how it’s going and how excited I am about it.

One physically obvious example of this is the fact that I still haven’t started losing weight for the dress. Not even a little bit. It’s probably not going to happen, either.

I feel that in order to make it happen, I’d have to turn off all fun having from now until my nuptials and what is the point in that? You don’t get engaged so you can suspend your life for several months, do you?

So, I won’t be a super skinny, best shape of my life bride. I’m okay with that.

There’s also the fact that I go very long periods of time without thinking about the wedding at all. People bring it up and I’m all “oh shit, I have a whole bunch of stuff I should be doing huh?”

Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking going the whole traditional wedding route in general. I never even have birthday parties because the idea of congregating a bunch of people and forcing them to celebrate me has always made me uncomfortable. Why not just take the money we’re spending on this party and buy a boat?

That would have been an idea. A literal love boat, if you will.

But then I remember that despite what all the propaganda would have you believe – a wedding isn’t just about the bride. There’s also a groom involved (or two brides, or two grooms – but rarely ever just one person).

And if ever there was a guy that people enjoy congregating to celebrate, it’s Tom. People love that guy. He’s a hit. And who would I be to stop all his beloveds from raising a glass to him?

And despite all my child of divorce/fear that everyone hates me issues – I know that there are people in my life who will appreciate the opportunity to celebrate me as well. Or at least to get drunk and grind on someone inappropriate at the reception.

So even though I don’t feel that I’ve exhibited the appropriate levels of giddiness over this process, I’m glad that it’s getting closer. It will be a once in a lifetime ordeal. A life changer, even.

And the sooner it comes, the sooner I’ll be married to a great guy and headed to Napa to drown all the awkward things I said and did on the big day in many delicious glasses of wine.

A future, unplanned

For someone who is so stringent in the planning of the minutia of every day life (my Google calendar is filled out down to the hour for the next month) I find it kind of odd how unplanned I’ve left my future.

Now that I’m in my late twenties (there is much debate over whether 27 is middle or late twenties, but I go with the latter; it’s better to be realistic about aging – I think) and about to marry, I’ve been wondering lately if I should give my future a little more structure.

Many couples who enter matrimony have a typical idea of how they want their married life to go. They may set an age for when they want to start a family, or buy a house or maybe they want to change up their careers a bit.Image result for A future, unplanned

Tom and I really don’t have any of those things mapped out.

We don’t plan to have children and although we briefly entertained the idea of buying a house in the next year, there’s really no way in hell we’ll be able to afford real estate in DC anytime soon.

And while I worry that our lack of planning seems irresponsible, I think there’s a nice thrill to the idea of not planning our marriage. Really, there’s no concrete need for us to do so.

Because we’re not going to procreate, we essentially have a blank slate ahead of us as to what we could do with our married life.

We both want to travel as much as our over-extended credit cards will allow. That is a given.

We also want a dog, which will certainly be our version of a child. I really want two dogs and a cat, but as long as we’re still living in a city apartment that probably won’t happen.

We each have our dreams for our careers, and while neither of them are very likely to happen, we’re still young enough to hold on to the hope that they could. And maybe they will, for one or both of us, and then our lives will change dramatically.

Although we both love living in DC, we might eventually leave this place for a warmer one, or one that is more conducive to our careers and not going completely broke by the time we’re 40.

If that does happen, I know I will be incredibly homesick for this city – the first geographical location where I truly felt happy – but will hopefully settle into a new place just as I did here.

Or maybe we’ll live here forever, happily squandering our money in rent.

Who knows?

My planning-oriented mind is a little worried that things aren’t clearly scripted for the next five or ten years, but I’m learning to let it be.

As long as I’m still able to regularly visit my family and friends in Oklahoma, to keep writing even if nothing ever comes of it and can stay true to myself and my relationships, I believe that the future is bright.

Do you have a plan – solid or liquid – for your future?