Putting away the word sword

My mouth has gotten me in trouble a couple of times recently.

I have a double personality.

On one side, I am a very nice, sweet, gentle person. I’m really not incredibly malicious. I’m not overly judgmental. I’m a good listener. I will be the first to wrap you in a hug if I find you crying in the bathroom at work.

At the same time, I have a sharp tongue. It’s only gotten worse with age. This is made worse by the fact that I have no filter. Especially when I’m drinking. I can be THAT girl when I drink. It’s gross, and I hate that I do it.Image result for Putting away the word sword

I will love a person despite all their flaws, until they cross me. I don’t like to be put down and I don’t like selfish people – and if a person embodies those things, I cut them out of my soul for all eternity.

And when that happens, I say really mean things.

Also, sometimes people just really annoy the shit out of me. People who think they are omgamazing, people who are fake, and people who have no concept of taking care of themselves top the list of people who will just generally piss me off.

Most of the time, I only get myself into trouble if I’ve been drinking and stewing over something. Many an ex boyfriend can tell you that I can cut your balls off in three words and a look if I’m mad enough.

But sometimes, it comes out when I’m stone cold sober – and in really inappropriate moments.

It happens because I’m so sensitive, and also very anxious, and when I get wound up my lack-of-filter ball-cutting side snaps.

But I don’t like it. And I want to get it under control.

I think at some point, people like me have to make a decision.

Do I want to be that wacky, off-the-wall people who says inappropriate things and inappropriate settings and just owns it?

Or, do I want to be a professional person who can maintain employment and foster relationships with people who aren’t afraid to be around me if I’ve had one too many?

While I wish I was badass enough to be the first one, I know that I am not. I always feel guilty after an outburst and I hate hurting people’s feelings. Even the feelings of people I never want to see again, ever for the rest of my days.

After my SIL’s birthday last year where I imbibed in some (legal) absinthe (with my family) and got into a scathing fight with my boyfriend in a bathroom stall (to name just a few incidences that occurred) I’ve cut off the really inappropriate drinking meanness.

But I’m 25, and I need to learn to control it all the time. Flying off the handle and being a jerk isn’t really permissible anymore, unless that’s just the kind of person I want to be for the rest of my life. And I don’t.

Unless someone speaks ill of the Sooners, because then I will kill them with my blade-words.

But the rest of the time, I’m going to act like a grown up. A real one. Even if I’ll always be an angsty pre-teen deep down.